We’re Back

And by “we”, I mean “I” and by “back” I mean… Yes, we’re back. Revamps to the site begin today and some great interviews and features are soon to follow. Watch out!

Sorry for the absence, but here’s why.

I haven’t been absent! Hooray and huzzahs aside, I have – alas – been cheating on this here blog with another younger, sexier blog named “Can We Make It… Faster?” which focuses on news, reviews and lots of witty witticisms.

So, after my infidelities, this blog and myself are separating amicably. Don’t worry, we still love each other very much – it’s just that WordPress is fucking gay.

Read more at Can We Make It… Faster?

Green Hornet – the first trailer

The first trailer for the next in the current line of Superbad-meets-Superman comic book adaptations is one which has gotten me awfully excited for something which had previously slipped under my radar. Like “Kiss Ass” with more famous asses to kick, “The Green Hornet” looks like more fun than you could aim a car-bonnet mounted mini-gun at (watch the trailer). I’m quavering with film-lust, but whether it’ll appease the hardcore clique is yet to be seen, I can just picture the fanboys kicking up a right old stink over “lost artistic integrity”.

Intense Personal Crises

There are some thing in life which can lead you to freak out and yearn for self harm – some things are merely just a bit irksome. Here’s a few handy examples and things to avoid if you don’t want to end up in a padded room throwing shit at sparkly white guards:

• AVOID watching satellite TV with parents after the nine o’clock  watershed. You never know what’s about to happen. One minute you’re watching a knockabout buddy-cop action-comedy and the next thing you know BAM! Super slo-mo blowjob on your television screen. Then you’re looking down at your phone pretending you didn’t see, your arse is getting sore you’re looking around the room like fucking Stevie Wonder’s head-nodding, avoiding your Mum looking embarrassed and your Dad’s nostalgia at how he misses some good ol’ fashioned head.
• WORDS such as “crises” which make you panic as to whether or not they’re ACTUALLY WORDS. You can get away with it in real life – you accidentally made up a word, so you suffix it with a few more syllables to make it more intimidating (“Yeah I was having a bit of a crises…genic-phobia-esque moment earlier”) and hope that no one calls you out on your bullshit.
• AVOID talking to your parents about your career. Every discussion I’ve ever had with mine about mine ends up the same way – “Why don’t you just get a trade, like a plumber?” – just because we have a few dodgy pipes in the kitchen and Mother is a skin-flint.
• DON’T think that black people will always try to rob you – yeah, white people; y’all know who you are. I’ve been mugged twice in my life and they was both by crackers. Don’t trust The Man, man – he be telling you to watch out for them brothers but it ain’t the brothers that be causing you bother, brother. It’s whitey.

Pill x Motion Family “On Da Korner”

Yet another awesome piece of video from Motion Family, quickly becoming the go to guys for hi-def videos which manage to enthral and depress in equal measures.

Foals “Miami” official video

Excellent new video, directed by the talented Dave Ma.

Mark Ronson x Intel x VICE Magazine – The Creators Project

Our good friends at Intel and VICE Magazine recently caught up with hit-maker extraordinaire, Mr. floppy out-of-bed head and brass horns fetishist Mark Ronson – talking about influences, background and what makes the man tick.

Check it

http://www.thecreatorsproject.com/en-uk/creators/mark-ronson

Eminem – “Recovery”: track-by-track review

Eagerly awaited by fanboys and naysayers alike. Here’s my track by track take on the just-leaked Eminem album “Recovery” (in stores June 18th):

Cold Wind Blows (produced by ???)

Oh nicely played, Marshall. Yet another track about how you hate fame. Surely if you hate it so much you should just quit instead of raping everyone for their cash while you moan about having too much.Oh that’s just the intro… The rest is just Marshall flowing quite nicely about stuff we’ve heard him rap about a million times before.

Key phrases: something about piss and Mariah Carey.

Talkin’ To Myself (featuring Kobe) (produced by DJ Khalil)

Eminem goes emo – again. Stellar production as always from Khalil and a proficient chorus from newbie Kobe, but Eminem seems determined to stick to this “my life sucks” mantra. Name checks Lil’ Wayne and Kanye West as people that he wrote diss songs for, but said he would “have got killed” by them. Pretty sure Weezy can’t kill anyone. Not with those arms.

Key phrases: “hit the bottom”, “I let them down”, “I’m all alone”

On Fire (produced by ???)

Surprisingly Eminem sounds good on this. The chorus is dog shit (which Eminem acknowledges mid-song), but Em comes hard spitting verses with venom we haven’t heard from him since the olden days. Doesn’t say anything new but when Eminem hits his stride he doesn’t have to. Perhaps there is hope for this album after all.

Key phrases: “sulphuric acid”, “Ironman”, “This ain’t a song it’s a warning”

Won’t Back Down (featuring Pink) (produced by DJ Khalil)

Ah the much commented-upon Pink collaboration. Her voice barely registers in the intro, but perhaps that’ll change in the final mix. Eminem comes with a highly aggressive flow and spits venom as you’d expect in a song called “Won’t Back Down”. Oh wait, Pink isn’t just mixed badly – she just sounds so average on the hook that my brain apparently turned her mic down.

Key phrases: “you’re addicted/ I’m dope”, “Gasoline”, “Lit match”

W.T.P. (produced by ???)

Shady in perfunctory swagger rap track. Down hill from here?

Going Through Changes (produced by DJ Khalil)

Uh-oh… As I feared, Eminem reverts back into Emo-nem. “Can’t everyone just give me time? I’m going through a lot of stuff, you know? It’s hard. Leave me alone! No wait, buy this album about how I want you to leave me alone!” Okay, Marshall.

Key phrases: “Inside I’m dying”, “I need help”, “All time low/ I sit at home in my home theatre”

Not Afraid (produced by Boi-1da)

Decidedly average track. Operatic backdrop, emotive delivery, so-so lyrics. He’s not afraid to take a stand and to lead people through “the storm” like a peroxide Jesus, apparently. At least he’s cheered up a bit AND as the debut single from the album, refreshing to see Em not reverting to the ol’ comedy single route.

Key Phrases: “Face my demons”, “Hold my ground”, “I feel like the king of my world”

Seduction (produced by DJ Khalil)

Okay, so Eminem seems to go full circle on this track: “I feel like I’m morphing/ into something that’s so incredible that I’m dwarfing/ all competitors” – definitely changed his tune. Happy Marshall. Khalil’s production is average at best, saved from complete inadequacy by the warm strings rising up in the hook. Eminem seems to be flowing for fun on this, showcasing some of the best examples of polysyllabic acrobatics in recent times – but the song content is very average: he’s just trying to chat up some girl, as if being a hip hop megastar doesn’t equate to pussy. Who you tryna kid?

Key phrases: “I am awesome/ you’re just awe struck”, “Come here girl”, “Verbal seduction”

No Love (featuring Lil’ Wayne) (produced by Just Blaze)

I won’t lie, I cheered when I heard the sample of “What is Love?” by Haddaway. Just Bleezy just made up for arse-fucking the A-Team theme . I don’t know if I’m still in shock from the ace sampling on the production, but even Lil’ Wayne comes hard (no homo). His flow is at times, very nice – something which I have been critical of in the past, Eminem is fucking aggravating on the chorus though. Luckily, Eminem out does Weezy’s flow and raps circles around his pint-sized, Predator-alike co-star. Very good, actually (ignoring the chorus).

Key Terms: “Ain’t cool for you to sound cocky anymore”, “Never break my stride”, “Never take my pride”.

Space Bound (featuring ???) (produced by ???)

Eminem spits one for the ladies over a terribly plain acoustic guitar-laded production. Boring as fuck, but I had fun pretending that the dude on the chorus was Cee-Lo Brown (alas he isn’t). But oh wait, then he flips it so that he reveals that he’s talking about a girl and not a woman, leading us all along. Clever Marshall – it has been done before and way better.

Key phrases: lots of shit about “love”

Cinderella Man (featuring ???) (produced by ???)

Booming production, emotive delivery, so-so lyrics. Notice a theme here? The production seems to have Timbaland’s finger prints all over it, will be interesting to see who it’s by. The backing track gives the sense of an epic march towards *something*, it’s just a shame that Eminem spits such mediocre nothing-raps.

Key phrases: “How much in your face am I?”, “You pussy”, “The last album… sits in the trash”

25 to Life (featuring ??? (but her voice is annoying)) (produced by ???)

Another stringed-production. ANOTHER one for the ladies. A few knuckle-gnawingly dodgy punchlines (“You keep treating me like a staircase/ it’s time to fucking step”). The more that Eminem raps with this passionate delivery the less impact it has, especially when he’s lamenting the break down of a marriage. Oh wait, he then reveals he’s married to hip hop. Just doesn’t work.

Key phrases: “You can no longer control me”, “This is how I fucking get repaid”, “Oh now I’m special?/ Didn’t feel special when I was wit’ you”

So Bad (produced by Dr. Dre)

Nicely gutter production from Dre (as always), shout outs to Johnny Drama (“Word to Johnny Drama/ I keep my entourage wit’ me”), perfunctory Eminem flow and – you guessed it – generally so-so lyrics. It’s just his version of the classic battle raps wherein you just say how good you are without actually saying suttin’ that means suttin’.

Key phrases: “I’m just a hopeless romantic”, “I told you I’m Shady”, “I’m so good that I’m so bad”

Almost Famous (featuring ???) (produced by ???)

Production comes hard, Eminem sounds angry, the lyrics are about nothing but now it’s more entertaining nothings at least. Plus he fits one of the longest words in the English language into one of his bars. Whoever is on this hook deserves to catch a beating; how can one voice be so annoying? Better.

Key phrases: “Get off my dick”, “Get of my antidisestablishmentarianism, you prick”, “Nobody fucks with him”

Love The Way You Lie (featuring Rihanna) (produced by Alex da Kid)

Oh look it’s a boring song about “the wrong [feeling] right”. One for the 14 year old girls to get to number one. Rihanna is decidedly okay on this too, Eminem sounds as boring as he was on the last album. One from the executives, me thinks.

Key phrases: “the wrong feels right”, “high off of love”, “next time show your strength”

You’re Never Over (produced by ???)

Another low point. An attempt at something uplifting comes off as so boring that it sounds like Eminem rapping a Disney morality tale.

Key phrases: something about “believe”, “achieve” and other such High School Musical-isms.

Here We Go (produced by ???) (BONUS TRACK)

Now this is more like it! Eminem still isn’t talking about anything important, just useless non-sequiturs but when his flow is this ON POINT then it’s hard to concentrate on what he’s saying anyway. Nice way to end the album.

Key phrases: None, but that doesn’t matter.

—

OVERVIEW

A confused album in which Em can’t decide if he’s upset or ecstatic, but always rapped with emotion (sometimes to it’s detriment). Better when he’s styling out raps about bullshit. Garbage when he’s moaning about fame, we’ve heard that all before.

Score: 6.9 out of 10

Eminem’s “Recovery” leaks, everyone goes crazy

Perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps I just missed the boat or something. Maybe he doesn’t speak directly to me. Maybe I just don’t GET Eminem – but on the day the eagerly awaited new LP from Marshall Mathers III leaked and the entire internet imploded with a furious clusterfuck of fanboydom, I’m left cold.

I got Em in the beginning. Slim Shady LP and Marshall Mathers LP both struck a cord with me as an adolescent. I had never heard such vivid tales of choking out hookers and getting breastfed by a crackhead mother with no tits, and I was hooked. I played the CD out; knew every word. I think that therein lies the problem: I liked it when I was younger, but then I grew up.

I never bought into the whole deep, meaningful, inspirational lyrics that Eminem was supposedly spitting in his later albums, either. You know those later albums where the first single off of each would be a HILARIOUS romp in which he took potshots at everyone and anyone who was a pop-culture fuck up and unable to defend themselves and the whole quoting-meaningful-lyrics-which-like-so-totally-inspire-me fad on to which dickheads have latched, makes my skin crawl.

“I’m having a really tough time in my life right now, you know what I need? A multi-multi-millionaire to sing about his problems so I can pretend that my problems are like his… AND THEN WE WILL BE THE SAME! EMINEM RULEZ!”

But alas, I guess that the mainstream likes what they do regardless of taste or talent. 14 year old girls don’t buy into rappers with the best production or punchlines, underground kudos or critical acclaim; much preferred are the names. Lil’ Wayne. Drake. Eminem. Who they sing with: Rihanna. Trey Songs. Pink. If Ghostface Killah ever does a song with Pink, I’ll punch myself in the face. Hard.

So on the day that the internet went mad for “Recovery”, I pray for hip hop to  make it’s own.

Drake, I’ma let you finish but Kanye wants his swagger back

Okay, so the man mispronounced as “Kayne” went and tried offing his own career when he rugby tackled a mic from a stunned Taylor Swift to lick Beyonce’s ass infront of millions of people (including a terrified Beyonce), but he’s back. While Drake has been keeping the swagger-rap set’s collective dick hard with poorly delivered, well-written quips about money and success, the man that man that fashion shit fashionable is back with his new track “Power” featuring Dwele, and he’s hungry.

After his 808s misstep earned him a South Park ass whipping and the whole furore that surrounded “VMAgate” saga and getting cussed out by the most powerful man in the world, Kanye went into hiding – but luckily took his pen and pad with him (granted: more probably, he had holed up with a Macbook and a fashion model). He came out sounded hungry. Hungrier than we’ve heard him since the car crash days; the days before his ego overtook his talent.

And with the man spitting lines like “I don’t need yo pussy, bitch, I’m on my own dick/ I ain’t gotta power trip, who you goin’ home with?”, then Drake can go get gone – and we can Thank Kanye Later.