There are some thing in life which can lead you to freak out and yearn for self harm – some things are merely just a bit irksome. Here’s a few handy examples and things to avoid if you don’t want to end up in a padded room throwing shit at sparkly white guards:
- AVOID watching satellite TV with parents after the nine o’clock watershed. You never know what’s about to happen. One minute you’re watching a knockabout buddy-cop action-comedy and the next thing you know BAM! Super slo-mo blowjob on your television screen. Then you’re looking down at your phone pretending you didn’t see, your arse is getting sore you’re looking around the room like fucking Stevie Wonder’s head-nodding, avoiding your Mum looking embarrassed and your Dad’s nostalgia at how he misses some good ol’ fashioned head.
- WORDS such as “crises” which make you panic as to whether or not they’re ACTUALLY WORDS. You can get away with it in real life – you accidentally made up a word, so you suffix it with a few more syllables to make it more intimidating (“Yeah I was having a bit of a crises…genic-phobia-esque moment earlier”) and hope that no one calls you out on your bullshit.
- AVOID talking to your parents about your career. Every discussion I’ve ever had with mine about mine ends up the same way – “Why don’t you just get a trade, like a plumber?” – just because we have a few dodgy pipes in the kitchen and Mother is a skin-flint.
- DON’T think that black people will always try to rob you – yeah, white people; y’all know who you are. I’ve been mugged twice in my life and they was both by crackers. Don’t trust The Man, man – he be telling you to watch out for them brothers but it ain’t the brothers that be causing you bother, brother. It’s whitey.
Take It Personal 