Firstly, I’d like to apologise for the above picture – it was the best that I could be bothered to find with a guy chatting a girl up at a bar – as it’s bound to offend some of you (racists or people who are angry at the lack of realism in the photograph (when are bars ever that light?)). Secondly, I’d like to congratulate myself on actually following up the highly-successful first part of the guide as I never thought I’d had it in me. I’m always making promises I can’t keep; like promising myself – mid-wank – that I’ll have another straight after because this one was just so much darn good clean(ish) fun! It never works out this way. But this, after all, is not a wank – this is a serious scientific text in aide of getting those among you sans game or good-looks some poontang.
Also, it has just hit me that I may be giving away a load of guys’ game in these posts. So, for any ladies reading, if a guy comes up to you and tries any of these moves on you it definitely does not mean he wants to fuck you, he just wants to be your “friend”.
(I got myself outta a hole with that one)
Girls with boyfriends
I know some of you take the news that the prospective partner that you’ve just sidled up to is in a relationship like a kick in the fuzzy dice but it’s not as bad as you might think. There are many ways that you could still get a foot in the door (if she’s into that) with her by staying in contact even though she has a fella. Whilst it might be hard to avoid the dreaded “friend zone”, if you do so then you could end up the shoulder to cry on/fuck when her relationship goes arse over tit. Keep texting her, giving her advice; subtly telling her to chuck her current bloke and try you out for size instead e.g. “you deserve better”, “I’d never treat a girl like that” or “4gt bwt him, u shud sex me insted bbez xx”.
Note: do make sure not to flirt too heavy with the girl or else you might get an angry partner threatening to do you damage, so unless you’re a double-hard bastard like I am – beware.
Smoking
Forget what the Facebook groups would tell you: smoking is both cool AND sexy. Cigarettes are both a phallic symbol (that means they’re like cocks, dummy) and a way of being vaguely naughty without getting into trouble for the girls, so offer them a chance to smoke a few cancer sticks with you and it gives you a perfect ice-breaker and a nice time to chat them into the reverse-cowgirl.
Groups of girls
Some people reckon that trying to chat up a group of girls (i.e. three or more) means that your odds of pulling are higher because a recent survey that I just made up revealed that around 3 out of every 10 chat-up attempts will be successful. I don’t believe this because not every girl can fancy you (unless you’re me) so chances are that at least one of them won’t find you physically attractive and her cock-blocking brain-wave poison will seep into the brains of all the other girls telling them not to fuck you (in morse code or something). What you should do is play the predator. Not the strange “I’m gonna wait outside for her, follow her home and jump her in those bushes by the bus stop” kind of predator, but one which watches it’s prey intently, singling one from the pack and waiting for them to break from the safety of the group so that you can swoop in and flex your moves. Make sure to be quick at this (introduction; quick chit-chat; one joke; sexy eye-contact; drink offer; “shall we sit down?” – then you’re home) as one of her poisonous man-hating lesbian-cunt friends might give her the stink eye for talking to you, thus making her uncomfortable and nigh-on impossible for you to crack her safe.
Drunk girls
If you can’t even pull a drunk girl then may God have mercy on your weedy, milky-white soul. And your Mum is a slag.
Friend zone to End zone
Sorry to coin a very Americanised phrase, but it had a certain allure to it which I just could not resist.
This is probably the trickiest technique of them all ‘cos you definitely don’t want to end up a friend to a girl you want to fuck, ‘cos when she’s fucking every other guy in town and you’re the one she’s telling ‘cos you’re such a great fucking listener then you’re gonna be the one who feels like ending it all – found hung after cranking (that’s a portmanteaux of “crying” and “wanking”, kids) in the wardrobe with a belt ’round your neck. That’s how you’ll be remembered; as a disgusting pervert who died masturbating all over his own clothes. All because you ended up in the friend zone.
What you need to do to stay alive and scandal free is to be one helluva charismatic motherfucker. Do you think you can do that? Only macks need apply to this section. You need funny and charming. You need to be confident, bordering on arrogant. You need to take the piss a lot. You need to be that guy who laughs his way into girls’ knickers.
How to achieve: if you’re not confident, pretend to be (we all do it). Walk up to a girl and make a pith remark about some dodgily dressed skank near you. Worst case scenario: it turns out to be her sister and you get a slap in the face. Best case scenario: it makes her laugh and you’re in. Make ’em laugh early and you’re laughing (metaphorically, not literally – don’t laugh at your own jokes). This make take some time and some finely tuned bitchiness (a skill at which I, myself, excel) but it can be deadly if judged correctly.
It’s a long game to play – I’m talking a few weeks, maybe a month – but if you keep in contact with her, keep making her laugh and you charm the socks off that girl and you won’t have to wank into yours for a long time after.
Take It Personal 